Theres No Such Thing As a Storybook Ending

Thu, 01 May 2008 23:05:02 GMT

I miss you...
Everything little things brings back a memory...
Any every memory is amazing...
If I could go back, Id go back to any night with you, any day with you...
You made me so happy...
It kills me I have to wait four long months...
Why do we have to live so far apart?
Why do you have to be so perfect?
This is killing me...

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 03:14:11 GMT

Im glad I have you back
But its almost the end of the year
Im not ready for this to be over...

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 14:49:27 GMT

What do you do when the person you depend on for happiness is suddenly not there?
You have to learn once again you cant depend on anyone but yourself...
And that is a depressing thought
I need you....

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 17:37:53 GMT

SO I havent posted in a million years. So much has changed since the last time I posted... so much. Unfortunatly, not so mch for the better.
I cant believe first year is almost over. I dont want to go back. I will be going from 12 steps to Jordans to 12 hours.
My roomate alex left 2 days ago... because her brother is really sick. so close to the end...
My room feels so empty now... our whole house is in a depression.
Jordan always make me feel better but I didnt see him yesterday...
I am so dependant on him for happiness that i cant imagine this summer.
Ive never had something like this with anyone before... Im not ready to let go. But in 20 days I will have too. An expiration date, time limit... i hate this foreboding feeling.
I just want to lay in bed forever... preferably with him holding me
Gah life is shitty right now, but i feel so guilty saying that when campared to Alex's life right now my life is pretty good...
Fuckkkk

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 00:42:00 GMT

Last night... was amazing. The kinda night where you come home and you cant stop smiling, the happy dance kinds of night. The kind when, when I think about it today, I get butterflies. This was a night I had been hoping and waitng for for so long. I havent felt that way in so long.
We;ve been together so many times, but this felt like a first.. I miss this couple-y stuff. Laying there cuddling while watching a movie, being held. And of course the other stuff...
I'm bussing home with him to Kingston, then going on from there. I dont want to go home and not see him for 3 weeks. Well I'll prolly see him when we all meet up in Ottawa.. But still, I am used to seeing him every day. Yesterday he pretty much lived here...
Aww so happy, so encouraging...

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 05:12:40 GMT

I love my friends and family at home, and I do want to go back... But I could hardly stand being back for three days, how am I going to make it.
I am so much happier here. I have cried maybe twice, and just little cries. I have finally been able to quit smoking, cause nothing is stressing me out.
I love my friends here, and our house. And I love being able to walk to feet and be at the guys house. Our houses might as well be the same house. I love how close we've all become.
I love how any time anything happens all I have to do is yell and I can tell a friend.
I love how much more loyal these friends are... they dont find pleasure in my demise.
I love how we all hang out everyday. I love how we stay up all night, then go to bed when the sun rises. I love how it is a fresh start, and I am managing to not mess it up so far. I love how it is a totally different/seperate life. I love the independance. I love how its so much warmer and theres is so little snow here. I love how I do what i want when I want. I love doing my own groceries. I love having access to a gym.

The last few days have been so amazing with me adn Kev.. Such good times, good talks, fun flirting. Everything has been so encouraging, I know better than to get my hopes up, but if only... It sucks I wont see him for weeks now. Hes such a great guy. ITs so weird, despite all that has already happened with us, I feel like its just a beginning, like we'er still waiting for our first kiss... Hes the kind of guy I want.. Now i'm just taking it day by day...

Exams are so boring.. I should be studying now, Psych is going to kick my ass.. But I just cant step it up...

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 07:26:41 GMT

Why do I have such a nack at getting into such complicated situations with guys?
My friend breaks up with her bf of 2 years, and immediatly is all giddy over this new guy. They both really like eachother and are all cute and perfect. I on the other hand cant just have a normal relationship. Its like a Mike situation all over again, except Kev is a much better guy. Gah, Kev is so close to perfect, and I love what we have. But why cant it be more? Just that little bit more I never get. The something more I wanted from mike so bad, then gave up on. And then just as I gave up he decided he wanted it too. Could I have it with Kev? This weekend was amazing... I guess I'll just have to wait and see...
Why can't I just have a normal relationship?

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 20:38:56 GMT

So I was getting over it, letting him go. But now,I dont even know. I did not expect the events of friday night, thats for sure! Gah... we both know ther is something there. It felt so good to talk to him about everything.. but it didnt resoolve anything. It doesnt seem like its ever going to be what I want it to be. But sadly, even what it is now makes me happy. And id rather this than nothing... Gah so much stupid complication. But when we are together, we have such a good time. I can be so open with him. And he is such a sweetheart, what he says to me, and about me to other people... Oh if only

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 04:23:53 GMT

why are things amazing one night, like better than ever. And fine the next night. Then worse than ever now? What did I do.. I dont understand. Fuckkkkk
I havent felt shitty like this since I left glengarry, I dont want to be back to this.

So there is this boy...

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 03:31:22 GMT

So there is this boy...
He lives in the house next door
And he is amazing
And we are together pretty much everynight.. just hanging out
We have the besty convos
Any time we are partying we are always together
There is such a desire there from both sides
He makes me feel special
BUT I dont think he want a relationship now, he jsut got out of a 2 year one
And I dont know what I want

I know if he did want a relationship I would be more than happy, but I am not necessarily out looking for one, it is only the second month of university. I do know I want something more now...
I dont know what to do...
Honestly he is such a good guy
Hes nice, funny, fun to be with, talented, smart, amazing smile, a gentleman, mutual interests, hes mature and responsible, yet knows how to party... Hes one of the best guys I know
But he can be kind of a pimp too in some way unfortunatly.. but nothing serious at all

We are together all the time. It is so fun just hanging out with him. Sitting on his bed talking, playfighting.. Doing laundry for hours...Flirting...
He amazes me with something everyday, and always impresses me
He can be such a sweetheart with his compliments... he makes me feel good.
BUT I dont know how it will go, if anything will happen there. I know we both like each other, but can it be?
I have fallen for this guy... and thats scary, cause I fall hard...
I cant stop thinking about it, and it doesnt help that I see him everyday...
I guess all I can do is wait and see.. but i am so impatient
I just want to be with someone.. I love that feeling.. it has been so long...

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 23:58:44 GMT

I need a cigarette so fucking bad...
Fucking not living near Quebec...

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 14:15:42 GMT

wow... last night was crazy

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 19:58:07 GMT

Monday...

It was always just waiting to know when the result were in, I hardly thought past that to getting the results, and dealing with them... I'm hardly strong enough at this point, let alone after...
I can't breath...
I can't even begin to imagine how he feels...
It HAS to be okay...
It HAS to be okay...
It HAS to be okay...

overwhelmed

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 20:15:28 GMT

There is so much going on latly, and I try to be strong and positive, but its getting to me...

First and foremost is a really good friend of mine. He is waiting for mri results that could quite possibly reveal that he has a brain tumor, and having had cancer twice already the odds of this is unfortunatly probable. Not only does this make me really sad, because he is such an amazing person, but it also leaves me with a lot of responsibility... He doesnt really have anyone else a lot of the time. HIs mom is very negative about the whole thing, and just upsets him. His girlfriend is never there for him, and is rediculously selfish. He does have other friends but none that are really there. So it is me who is always there. I go see him usually once a day, i am there till all hours of the night,i am available for hundreds of texts and emails. I do this because I care, and i want to be there; as i told him i'm there cause i want to be. But it is still very stressful. If i am out i'm constantly answering texts, and making sure i can get there to see him so hes not alone all the time. I am awaiting the results almost as anxiously as he is. I dont mmean to sound selfish, I want to be there, its just so sad and overwhelming.. I have to be all positive around him, and its hard.. I broke down and cried a little the other day and felt so bad...
On top of that is the stress of moving out. I am glad tomove out, ahve been awaiting this day for a long time. But it is still stressful. Learning how to get around university, making new friends... I know it all will happen but still.. And I dont want to lose my old friends... i will miss them sooo much. And my family, mostly...
Then theres the stress of my mom, who is insane and gives me hell all the friggen time... Shes so hard to take...
And then theres all the boy drama.. Theres always something there... Boys seem so insignificant now, in comparison to real issues.. but they are still there.
Last night was very random, but amazing and took my mind of things for a while. But its also very confusing, and why am i getting into something when there is only 3 weeks left. Everything started now has a expiration date. But i decided i should take a chance and not limit myself because who knows? I dont want to miss any opportunities...
Gah so much on my mind I am going crazy, snapping at random undeserving people, and crying too often...

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 20:43:35 GMT

I can't breath

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 14:12:43 GMT

Was at the cottage for a week...
It was soooo much fun! Big parties, sooo much dinking, many laughs... We'd wake up late, eat breakfast, and start drinking by like 11:30-12. We went on boat rides, many paddleboat rides... we saw, we tanned in the sun. We ate like pigs... It was so relaxing, I didnt want to leave! Sam and I were there for the whole week, with her parents and two of their friends who were awesome and just as much of drunks as us. Then kev, allison, kyle, melissa, aly, and rory were there at different points, and other ppl... It was a blast!
Now its back to reality and working 55+ hours this week, but i do need the money.
This week has been fun: catering, streetdance, soccer, friends houses...
Two weeks till the games!!!!!!!
Then summer is almost over, and I will be off...

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 21:38:37 GMT

So summer is amazing...

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 00:54:10 GMT

Everything is overwhelming...

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 02:50:09 GMT

So I am insanely emotional latly...
EVERYTHING makes me cry... Like Mrs McPhersons touching note in my yearbook!
Highschool is almost over, but it doesnt feel like it, it doesnt even feel like the end of the school year let alone the end of highschool. I hardly had time to give ppl my yearbook, and therefore i have very few signs for ym last year, but in a way I dont even care.
I am at the point where I could just leave and not look back. There is only a handful of people i would really miss...
I am so frusterated by some people, and one inparticular had me ready to lose it...
As happy as I am to leave I know i will be a mess at graduation... and when i see everyone leave in a few months.
I think I have been getting a dose of reality latly, realizing how unfair the world really is, and certain things are really hitting me hard...

I just don't even know anymore...

Numb

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 22:05:46 GMT

I dont know how i feel anymore, so I find I have become numb. I have turned off all emotion. I am just there, going through everything without honest reactions. The only emotion I express is happiness, cause that one i will gladly express. I have become too good at pretending. The sad thing is just weeks ago I was on top of the world. Everything was amazing and I was happier than I had been in a long time. And now I just dont know...

Stratford: It wasnt anything wild, but I definitly had a great time! It was nice to chill with people I hadnt chilled with in too long. It mad me sad in some ways too... and amazing how much is the same after so long. It was a nice relaxing few days, away from everything.
To kill a mockingbird, swans, tango, hottub, pool, monty...

Prom, I guess it was how I expected it to be. Almost everyone looked stunning, and i was very impressed! Somethings could have been better, but it was still a decent time for what it was. I never saw prom as some amazingly big moment in your life like some people do so.. I kinda wish I had taken Jymie like i was going to, but it doesnt really matter...
Prom party was pretty fun, lots of people! Had some good chats with some good people!

In the last week I have bonded with different people, and it has been a nice change, makes me look forward to meeting new people next year!

I got into the rez i wanted at Brock! Now i have to start accumulating stuff for next year! I cannot wait to leave...

Boy wise I am just all over the place... emotionally, not physically lol

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 16:48:47 GMT

Ah things are kinda messed latly...
Friends are being frusterating... certain people are stressing over the smallest things and wont let anything go.. just friggen get over it! Its makeing things are all ackward, and its prom in a few days and i just want everyone to be friends. I dont want it to be all stupid...
I feel kinda outcasted, and thats not a good feeling. I mean i still have my good friends, just a couple of them are giving me the cold shoulder. So yeah, feeling like that i just kinda separate myself more, and it doesnt help... I have been kinda seeing someone new, or whatever you want to call it, and some dont approve of that, so it makes it worse...
But this all is just one small thing... besides that things are good. The weekends have picked up latly.. and this week should be great with stratford and prom and everything...
Ahh i dont know what to expect from prom!! It has the potential to be very ackward for a couple reasons lol... It just better not rain that day!

Mon, 28 May 2007 01:15:59 GMT

ohhhh boy....
Good weekend...
No sleep...
Good things...
Bad things...
I dont know what to think...

YAY

Mon, 21 May 2007 18:17:02 GMT

I am really happy.

I decided on Brock and accepted the offer and applied for Res.
Moes last night was really fun, the best night in a while!
I now run everyday, which makes such a difference.
I am getting excited for prom, and the summer, and leaving next year.
Besides the usual stuff with my mom there is nothing bringing me down anymore...

The only thing is damn IS's....

Thu, 17 May 2007 02:48:10 GMT

So I was pretty discouraged about next year. I had only heard from Concordia, and it was just for soc, my 2nd choice. So needless to say i was not excited about next year, and was trying to build up going to Concordia. There were some good things about it, was it wasnt what i really wanted. I had also applied to Brock, but forgotten about it because I thought i didnt stand a chance after recieving my grades first semester. Then, i came home from work yesterday and there was an envelope from Brock sayign I was accepted. So now I am very excited for next year! I finally know where I want to be...! Now i just have to worry about paying for it... I am very Happy!

Wed, 09 May 2007 01:16:56 GMT

Ill be in school, thinking about stupid things and how much I hate being there. Then, I step out side into the beautiful weather and feel like this great weight has been lifted. I love it... I walk to work as often as I can, I go for runs in the evening, even working in the garden is nice. It's too easy to get bogged down in feeling shitty when you are inside and it just all looks the same...

I'm so messed up about so many things, and don't know what I want...